Okay, it’s the end of August now and I’m re-reading the post I wrote at the beginning of summer and things didn’t turn terminate so dramatically. Not to say it was not dramatic – PKG was literally flip-flopping between Mayo and UofT with every 6 h interval until the very last moment.
In June, PKG went back to Rochester for the summer and went on an epic 3-week canoe trip through the Boundary Waters, spent time (in a less epic fashion) at home, and then as if echoing the start of the summer, biked back to Toronto (1400 k over 11 days?!) for the start of school. I am happy he is back!
I had a great summer too. To sum it up with one non-descriptive phrase: busy. I climbed a bunch (nearly every weekend), went to my friend’s beautiful cottage in Dorset, twice (maybe this was my only retreat and opportunity to read), traveled to Minnesota to visit PKG and ate ice cream nearly everyday, moved into a new place that is still not furnished, published a paper, went to a summer school on Arctic research, and started to think about my qualifying exam.
Not to complain, but the kind of busy summer I had did not have room for a lot of self-reflection, meditation, exploration. It’s like I recently experienced a personality or philosophy switch that I’m not really that comfortable with. I’m not certain if I can operate like how I have been this past summer- although it has been fun, my body feels tired and my mind restless. Lately, I find myself more interested in the idea of things or the thought of doing without actually immersing myself into the activity… like a conceptual life-artist who oversees and manages a life-factory. I feel like I have too many commitments (climbing, research, HN board, other friends) and I really just need to spend time by myself and reconnect. I need to calm down and refocus and engage in a meaningful way, somehow.
Weirdly (although I should be careful to not conflate these occurrences), I have found myself reading a lot of sport-journalism type articles. For example I read about BASE-jumping in the NYT mag and the feature on Novak Djokovic in the New Yorker. What does this mean? This sounds stupid and silly but can this a transformation I am witnessing?
I was sick for the last 3 days and all I wanted to do was sleep and sleep. I feel exhausted. Maybe this panic and delirium will pass too.